Balti Towers

Balti Towers is the Indian restaurant equivalent of the mad house hotel that was Fawlty Towers.

The worst traits and modus operandi of these establishments are listed below and are scored on the SYIRometer - South Yorkshire Indian Restaurant meter… of annoyance!

1) A "fake" lower priced take-away menu in a display cabinet on the outside of the restaurant.
2) Loud, often wailing and intrusive Indian music.
3) A faux-palatial exterior and a faux-sumptious interior.
4) Subdued lighting.
5) Licensed (We will quaff our Real Ale in the pubs of our choosing.)

  • They direct and expect you to sit in their "waiting area" so as they can sell you over-priced lagers masquerading as being of authentic Indian origin. 
  • "Free" salty snacks are plentiful in the waiting area; their purpose, to generate a thirst.
  • "Any drinks?" - "Would you like to see the drinks menu?" - No, we've had our quota of Real Ale elsewhere and at more sensible prices! You don't mind being asked once, but multiple visits from various members of staff wears ones patience.
  • "Any soft drinks?" - I guess they try to maximise the spend per head at every table. No, a carafe of water will be fine, thank you.
6) Dress to impress & the seating plan. They will seat you either:
  • In the window as a desperate attempt to make the restaurant look busy or
  • In a dark corner at the back of the restaurant as they have judged that you are not dressed smartly enough for their establishment.
7) "What, no poppadoms?" - "Would you like an (over-priced) pickle tray?"
8) "What, no rice?" - "Would you like any extra rice?" - when you've ordered a Biryani! Doh!
9) Outrageously over-priced starters and sundries etc. Recently, one restaurant that we have reviewed had the plain naan marked up at £2.95 on their menu. Really!
10) "Any side dishes?" - if I want one, I'll order one!
11) Dumbed-down sweetened sauces to accompany the non-spicy starters.
12) Many restaurants serve up large chicken pieces in an oily-slop sauce and are often vegetable free.
13) The disingenuous bonhomie.
14) The pacing and/or hovering Maitre D'
15) The "fussing" waiters and faux over attentiveness. "How's your meal" queried one waiter as one of my friends took a first mouthful of his curry. Timing…the preserve of great comedians - and the air of desperation in poor Indian restaurants.
16) The disengaged, non-communicative staff and their long faces.
17) A lack of authentic Indian desserts, just kulfi or chocolate gateaux.
18) The ritualised elaborateness of the presentation of the bill, the inflicted guilt-trip and the expected tip.
19) And what maybe the biggest crime of all - when the price of an item on the bill is greater than that advertised on the in-house menu. This is so wrong!
20) When you discover that there is a special offer (2 dine for 1; 1 free main meal, banquet, eat as much as you like etc) in operation on the night that you visit - as you are leaving the restaurant! Again, this smacks of deceit. Restauranteurs should inform all patrons of any offers that they are currently running.

To some, this may seem like a long list of moans. However, we have experienced the fine art of the Indian restauranteurs in Bradford and like their modus operandi. You walk in, grab a seat, order, eat, pay at the till and go. Simple and no hassle!